the show must go on
by withrewings
Summary: Sirius finds out he's missed a lot during his twelve years in Azkaban.


Sirius woke up to soft music and the dripping of coffee coming from the kitchen. The sunlight beaming in through the window told him it was only around nine in the morning. He thought for a second about how that was a weird time for Remus to be awake when there was no school, but quickly realized that he wasn't at Hogwarts and he wasn't just having an awful nightmare. Those thirteen years did happen. His best friends were dead.

Sirius whimpered at the thought but pushed himself out of bed anyway, because his Moony was waiting for him in the kitchen. For the first time in all those years, there was someone waiting for Sirius to wake up so they could care for him and tell him they loved him a million times. Not waiting for him to wake up so they could make him feel the pain of his soul getting slowly sucked out of his body.

Sirius walked slowly out to the kitchen, his joints popping painfully as he did so. Sleeping on a real mattress was so foreign to him his body didn't know how to react to the sudden change, and neither did he. He'd sort that out later, though. Right now, he needed to see his Remus.

Remus turned around and smiled at the sound of footsteps nearing the kitchen. "Hey, Pads," he greeted gently, dropping his whisk into the bowl of pancake batter. He pulled Sirius into his arms, running his hand over his hair because he knew that if he tried to go through it his fingers would only get tangled in the mess. Sirius whispered a small "hi", returning the hug and burying his face in the taller man's shoulder.

"How'd you sleep?" Remus asked, pulling away but keeping his hands on Sirius's shoulders.

"The best I have in thirteen years," Sirius replied sincerely. Remus winced at the reminder, so Sirius changed the topic. "Is that Bowie?" he asked, recognizing the music coming from the den.

"'Course it is. You can change it, if you'd like," Remus offered, leading Sirius to the closet where he kept all of his records. Sirius began looking through the well-organized baskets, all of which holding a different artist's records. When he found the Queen basket, he pulled it down and set it on the floor, getting on his knees and looking through.

"You… you kept all of mine," Sirius whispered, shocked. He figured Remus would've thrown them away, burned them, removed all evidence that he ever knew Sirius Black, but he hadn't.

"It would've taken me years to get rid of all of them, seeing as you had a whole library," Remus said jokingly, knowing now wasn't the time to explain the real reason. Sirius smiled faintly up at him, continuing to look through the records.

At the very back were the newer ones, and as much as Sirius wanted to hear A Day At The Races again, he also wanted to know what they were up to more recently. He pulled out the very last one, Innuendo, released in 1991.

"Oh, Sirius…" Remus started sadly, realising his friend's choice. Sirius looked up at him, confused.

"What, Rem?" He asked, and Remus shook his head, pulling Sirius up and leading him to the couch. The record player on the coffee table was playing David Bowie's album, Diamond Dogs, but Remus stopped it and took Innuendo out of Sirius's hands.

Remus took a deep breath, knowing the news would upset Sirius. "This was Queen's last record. About ten months after it was released, Freddie… well, Freddie passed away," he informed him gently. Sirius's face fell, and he opened his mouth a few times, trying to speak but nothing coming out.

"Oh," he finally settled on. Remus took Sirius's hand, squeezing it tightly. Sirius squeezed back before speaking again. "How?"

"He had AIDS. He only announced it a day before he died. It was all over the news when he did make it public, both wizard and muggle. I'm sorry, Sirius." Remus knew that Sirius had always waited for the next Queen album to come out, used it as a reason to keep going when his mind told him to stop trying. He always locked himself in his room and listened to their records - the ones his mother missed in her weekly muggle item purge - when his family were giving him a rough time. He confessed one night while drunk that he usually listened to sheer heart attack, because Killer Queen was Remus's favorite song and listening to it reminded him of his boyfriend.

Sirius's eyes were on the ground, his brow furrowed as if trying to decide what emotion he should be feeling. "Oh," he repeated. Then, a tear slipped down his cheek, falling down onto his thigh, leaving a bit of a dark spot there. The spot was temporary though; just like people.

When Remus placed his hand on Sirius's, the tears began to fall a bit more, leaving even more dark circles on his jeans. A few minutes passed before Sirius raised his head, shook it as if to clear it, not objecting when Remus brushed away his tears.

Sirius took a deep breath, his eyes focusing on the record still in Remus's hand. Remus passed it to him and he took it with a shaky hand, carefully pulling it out of the paper packaging. The words "Queen" and "Innuendo" were both clearly written in big letters, a drawing in between the two. It looked like a doll juggling the solar system, and Sirius wondered for a second what it was supposed to mean.

Sirius handed the vinyl back to Remus. "Can you… can you play a song? I can't remember how," he asked timidly, like he was scared Remus would be upset with him for needing help. Remus smiled warmly, making sure Sirius knew he wasn't angry at him. He pulled the record player closer to him and placed the vinyl on the record player.

"Of course, love. I'll skip to the last one on the album. It was the last song Freddie recorded, all in one take from what I hear." Remus skipped to track 12, The Show Must Go On, and pulled Sirius close. He pressed his lips to Sirius's forehead when Sirius snuggled into him, closing his eyes and draping his arm over Remus's stomach.

Sirius gasped when he heard the voice. He hadn't heard that voice in so, so long that he wouldn't have recognized it if he hadn't known who it was beforehand. It sounded completely the same, and yet totally different.

Halfway through the first verse is when Remus felt the first bit of dampness on his sweater as Sirius started getting emotional. Remus ran his hand over his hair, careful not to go through it as he knew his fingers would only get tangled in the mess. Sirius clenched the oversized sweater as he recognized the comforting gesture, the only thing that was able to calm him down after his nightmares at Hogwarts.

Sirius listened to the lyrics, hating that he knew exactly what they meant, and wishing he didn't know. He wished Remus hadn't told him anything.

By the end of the song, Sirius's eyes were hurting with how dry they were after so much crying. Remus pulled Sirius up, looking straight into his eyes. Sirius did the same, not wanting to take his eyes off the gold-rimmed hazel eyes. Wolf eyes. While they were Remus's least favorite quality about himself, they were Sirius's favorite, the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen.

Sirius's hand went from Remus's waist up to his cheek, tracing over the lines with his thumb, relishing the physical contact. He didn't think he was every going to be able to touch his Moony, or anyone else, again. It was the first and the last thing he thought about in Azkaban.

Sirius kissed Remus's, his Remus's cheek softly before burying his head in his shoulder and wrapping his skinny arms around him.

They would be okay, he decided.


End file.
